My heart is on my sleeve.

i rather crack and crumble beneath school and exam stress anytime. any fucking time. cause when its like that, theres the end to look forward to, the "holidays".

but when this so-called "holidays" comes along, its a disappointment of the greatest magnitude. I can't live like this anymore- in obsolescence.

something drastic has to happen soon. maybe I'd pack my bags and disappear to cambodia tomorrow for months. and its not like its gonna make any fucking difference anywhere, anyway.

I have felt alone before in life, and I admire solitude. but loneliness, its creeping in this time, and I hate to admit its here.

everything is transient, including people, including feelings.

the clouds were floating above the port, the trees on the foreground dancing in glorious silence. purely visual. that november breeze, piercing and swift- filling my lungs, intoxicating my senses. purely tactile. I breathe a sigh of despair, a whiff of smoke, exhale my deepest and darkest insecurities. I am alone. I am still alone. I disfigure my reality, swim in my desires.

I'm well alive on that chair, dying cigarette in cold fingers, dead hopes clinging to warm memories.

the rotten heart screams for help.

after today's final crit, the possibility of losing my scholarship is very real. all too real.

I am crushed, paralyzed- almost destroyed.

there's no one around.

the promise of friendship and company is a joke.

I am surrounded by bullshit.

and if I ever said I was tired of everything, this is 10 times beyond that. I'm not living life by day to savour it. its only because I can only muster enough will to get through each dull, monotonous and uneventful day at a time.

there's virtually no more meaning now. its a pisser when retards tell you to look forward to a 'future'. its only arbitrary and derived to generate a menial amount of hope. and I'm sick of hope, chance, faith, change and all that shit they try to teach you since you were young.

gut-wrenching I would say.

I'm not okay.

Who am I kidding?

I have to stop being friends with girls. and little do I know I'm losing a number of them already. boys and girls cannot be friends. I'm beginning to believe that. its retarded.

its done. and right now, i can consider myself satisfied and content.

Im printing my notes, blasting and singing along to Oasis and waiting for everything to fall in place. stoicism has never been better than this. nothing can touch me. no one.

sometimes i feel its wrong to be myself.

most of the time, i don't know which/who is my real self.

people are evaporating one by one. and strangely, it doesn't bother me. at all. not one bit.

I think I'm just way too tired. relationships hold with foundations, not with strings attached from above.

there's friends, and then there's friends in people.

its been a long and horrid week. and im slowly losing it. all of it. my sanity, my purpose, my place on earth. im at a different kind of low and i dont think i can stay here much longer.


and it took me 20 years to realize.

love was never made for me. I made it all up. all of it.

clubbing is the biggest waste of my time and my money. it never ends or goes well. the music may be brilliant, but the high is lost. the company is not the same. i know what can correct this wrong but that mindset is not right. i havent enjoyed myself in the longest time. my apprehension and disdain for people are growing and im beginning to really dislike it. above all, i dont know why i still punish myself and go.

im looking for all the right things in all the wrong places.

i think people like me are just never meant to be happy, no matter how hard we try, no matter what we decide.

sadness isn't a choice, it chooses its victims.

the more we try to read into things, the more we may never understand.

its okay to lose so much faith in people, right?

i mean, it kinda helps actually.

we live in a superficial world and only looks matter. till today I don't know where I stand. I don't have a problem with it. I just feel at loss when I'm compromised.

no one's ever gonna see the good in me. only a few have and they're not here anymore.

my confidence right now? down the drain.

i have so much in common with ted mosby its scary.

hall life hasn't been about the guys alone. having many great, concerned friends scattered around makes me feel like I'm a blessed person. like there's never gonna be a place in hall where I don't have someone I can consider a true friend. maybe these are things I've failed to see. maybe I should stop looking at the wrong things, the wrong places.

though it may accentuate my thoughts and feelings perfectly, the weather the past few days has been about the only consolation I've had.

watching them pass one by one.

waiting, but not giving time either.

the right one will stop in its time, the doors will gracefully welcome my footsteps, and amongst the myriad of faces and emotions, there will be one empty seat.

and in my hand will be that crumpled, flaky ticket with your name on it.